It’s early hours
in the morning, yet I can’t sleep, kept tossing and turning in bed, in the end I
decided to take it on my laptop and vent it out on huasing. Hopefully
afterwards I can have a restful sleep.
Some background
info: I have been
married for 4 years now, daughter is 1.5 years old. Hubby is a stay-at-home dad while I work to
support the family, rather unconventional right? No choice, cause I have a more stable income
while my hubby was self-employed and he could barely support himself sometimes. It was a hard decision, not only for me, but was
also a blow to my hubby’s ego. Though
husband should always be the head of the family, who provides for and protects
the family, in my case I have to make most of the decisions in the house. I don’t really enjoy being in command, I
would rather have a more capable/domineering husband who takes charge of the
household, but well I married this one.
There are a lot
of quarrels in the first two years of marriage, the idea of “I have made a wrong decision” has
crossed my mind many times since then. I
must say that our honeymoon period is nearly nonexistent. I still remember vividly that on the day of
registration I came home crying and complained the way he treated a newly-wed
bride. Afterwards, we tried to adopt
each other’s lifestyle and habits, conflicts ensued here and there. But most of the time it’s because of
financial responsibility. From the
start, I knew his income was not stable, but he promised to work hard and
improve and everything seemed so achievable.
It’s only after a while I figured that he had no savings and could
barely share the house mortgage (resulted in warning letters from HDB). Looking back, they are all empty promises,
and I took a while to accept that I will be the sole bread winner in the
family.
To be fair, my
husband never splurges, he always chose the cheaper option to buy clothes for
himself. But he was kind and generous to
the others, he would buy tissue from uncles/aunties and tip taxi drivers for
their service. One of my love languages is
“receiving gifts”, so that time I couldn’t understand why he seldom gave me
flowers even after my repeated requests.
During one conflict, he broke
down and confessed that sometimes he didn’t even have money in the pocket to
buy lunch, let alone buying gifts for me.
My heart aches even to recall that episode.
When my daughter
was born in 2013, I of course shouldered all the cost. My mum flew over to take care of me during my
confinement. And that’s when it hit me
that though my mum and I couldn’t stand each other, my mum still loved me more
than my hubby. My husband was so
ignorant in female matters (he didn’t even know woman has limited number of
eggs and only releases one egg once a month) that he felt confinement was no
big deal and there was no need for him to take special care of me. I was lucky to have mum around.
Fast forward to
today:
The root problem
was a lack of intimacy. I guess I become
easily agitated while my basic needs are not satisfied. During my pregnancy, we didn’t screw each
other for over a year!!! I couldn’t stand it and confronted him, after a long “interrogation”,
he dropped the bomb “You shall lose some weight.” It’s not easy for him to open up and tell me
the truth, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but I felt like being stabbed
on the back and sick to stomach. Does that mean I am looking at a sexless
marriage now? Does that mean he was
forced to bang me so as to have our daughter?
Am I that disgusting and obnoxious?
Does he love me anymore? That
happened in 2014 and we sought help and advice to salvage our marriage. We are trying to shake the sheets once a
week, even then, we are often missing the target. Have I considered losing weight? Yes, but I didn’t persevere with my exercise
routine and I couldn’t become a vegetarian.
There was a period of time I almost lost interest in sex, because I lost
confidence in myself.
I tried to
tolerate and focused on other things, like spending time with daughter, but
today there were just so much negative emotions inside me and one straw finally
broke the camel’s back, I went cold war with my husband. That’s usually the case when we had conflicts
and arguments, one time it went on a week with us not saying anything to each
other. It was a horrible experience, and
affected my emotions at work too. After
that, we both agreed that once a cold war was declared, we (the husband) should
end it ASAP before it threw the marriage into hopeless abyss. (that’s how he annulled
his first marriage after long period of cold war/separation)
Most of the
time, I would initiate a conversation and try to resolve the conflict before
bedtime. This time, my hubby initiated
and he was all apologetic and reassured me that he loved me, and we can save
our marriage. He hugged me and kissed
me, but I felt sadness rather than peace, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I didn’t
reciprocate. That’s why I couldn’t sleep
tonight, something was unresolved in my heart, I don’t know what it is. Searching, pondering, praying… 该帖荣获当日十大第1，奖励楼主25分以及37华新币，时间：2015-04-27 22:00:01。
