【婚姻家庭】sleepless night, cold war with husband.
It’s early hours
in the morning, yet I can’t sleep, kept tossing and turning in bed, in the end I
decided to take it on my laptop and vent it out on huasing. Hopefully
afterwards I can have a restful sleep.
Some background
info:
I have been
married for 4 years now, daughter is 1.5 years old. Hubby is a stay-at-home dad while I work to
support the family, rather unconventional right? No choice, cause I have a more stable income
while my hubby was self-employed and he could barely support himself sometimes. It was a hard decision, not only for me, but was
also a blow to my hubby’s ego. Though
husband should always be the head of the family, who provides for and protects
the family, in my case I have to make most of the decisions in the house. I don’t really enjoy being in command, I
would rather have a more capable/domineering husband who takes charge of the
household, but well I married this one.
There are a lot
of quarrels in the first two years of marriage, the idea of “I have made a wrong decision” has
crossed my mind many times since then. I
must say that our honeymoon period is nearly nonexistent. I still remember vividly that on the day of
registration I came home crying and complained the way he treated a newly-wed
bride. Afterwards, we tried to adopt
each other’s lifestyle and habits, conflicts ensued here and there. But most of the time it’s because of
financial responsibility. From the
start, I knew his income was not stable, but he promised to work hard and
improve and everything seemed so achievable.
It’s only after a while I figured that he had no savings and could
barely share the house mortgage (resulted in warning letters from HDB). Looking back, they are all empty promises,
and I took a while to accept that I will be the sole bread winner in the
family.
To be fair, my
husband never splurges, he always chose the cheaper option to buy clothes for
himself. But he was kind and generous to
the others, he would buy tissue from uncles/aunties and tip taxi drivers for
their service. One of my love languages is
“receiving gifts”, so that time I couldn’t understand why he seldom gave me
flowers even after my repeated requests.
During one conflict, he broke
down and confessed that sometimes he didn’t even have money in the pocket to
buy lunch, let alone buying gifts for me.
My heart aches even to recall that episode.
When my daughter
was born in 2013, I of course shouldered all the cost. My mum flew over to take care of me during my
confinement. And that’s when it hit me
that though my mum and I couldn’t stand each other, my mum still loved me more
than my hubby. My husband was so
ignorant in female matters (he didn’t even know woman has limited number of
eggs and only releases one egg once a month) that he felt confinement was no
big deal and there was no need for him to take special care of me. I was lucky to have mum around.
Fast forward to
today:
The root problem
was a lack of intimacy. I guess I become
easily agitated while my basic needs are not satisfied. During my pregnancy, we didn’t screw each
other for over a year!!! I couldn’t stand it and confronted him, after a long “interrogation”,
he dropped the bomb “You shall lose some weight.” It’s not easy for him to open up and tell me
the truth, because he didn’t want to hurt my feelings, but I felt like being stabbed
on the back and sick to stomach. Does that mean I am looking at a sexless
marriage now? Does that mean he was
forced to bang me so as to have our daughter?
Am I that disgusting and obnoxious?
Does he love me anymore? That
happened in 2014 and we sought help and advice to salvage our marriage. We are trying to shake the sheets once a
week, even then, we are often missing the target. Have I considered losing weight? Yes, but I didn’t persevere with my exercise
routine and I couldn’t become a vegetarian.
There was a period of time I almost lost interest in sex, because I lost
confidence in myself.
I tried to
tolerate and focused on other things, like spending time with daughter, but
today there were just so much negative emotions inside me and one straw finally
broke the camel’s back, I went cold war with my husband. That’s usually the case when we had conflicts
and arguments, one time it went on a week with us not saying anything to each
other. It was a horrible experience, and
affected my emotions at work too. After
that, we both agreed that once a cold war was declared, we (the husband) should
end it ASAP before it threw the marriage into hopeless abyss. (that’s how he annulled
his first marriage after long period of cold war/separation)
Most of the
time, I would initiate a conversation and try to resolve the conflict before
bedtime. This time, my hubby initiated
and he was all apologetic and reassured me that he loved me, and we can save
our marriage. He hugged me and kissed
me, but I felt sadness rather than peace, tears streamed down my cheeks, and I didn’t
reciprocate. That’s why I couldn’t sleep
tonight, something was unresolved in my heart, I don’t know what it is. Searching, pondering, praying…
该帖荣获当日十大第1，奖励楼主25分以及37华新币，时间：2015-04-27 22:00:01。
[Jane_Jane (4-27 2:45, Long long ago)]
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沙发，我觉得你老公好像也相当痛苦槽点太多，我觉得如果lz想继续跟老公过下去，还是找专业的婚姻咨询吧。你跟你老公重点不是因为有矛盾，而是因为没有感情。我觉得外人真的束手无策.... [本文发送自华新iOS APP] [湿湿一大坨 (4-27 7:53, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]2楼
其实应该分析分析当初嫁给这个男人的原因吧 [本文发送自华新iOS APP] [Tenacity (4-27 8:50, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]3楼
you need to talk with him1. He needs to work.
2. He needs to know how to love you.
You need to let him know this.
[本文发送自华新手机Wap版]
[ellinlin (4-27 10:23, Long long ago)]
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令人困惑的问题，女人们要男女平等，但又渴望男人们多付出一点凌乱的世界[Sees (4-27 10:33, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]5楼
没人发现整篇文章是English??????????????????????[雷猫 (4-27 10:43, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]6楼
(引用 雷猫:没人发现整篇文章是English??????????????????????)而且lz英语还不错[ffnffn (4-27 10:47, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]7楼
男主经济上不能养家是不正常的家庭想过正常的生活定会比正常家庭更多挣扎。这是症结。几个月前发生的裕廊杀妻案就是这类家庭的极端悲剧。 [本文发送自华新手机Wap版] [redbox (4-27 10:52, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]8楼
我觉得主要还是经济原因刚刚看到楼主，一共发了4贴，前三贴是5年前的征友贴，第4贴就是这次深沉的或可称之为吐槽的抱怨贴，看来楼主做出的人生选择遇到了点问题。
作为男生，我觉得你们很有可能问题出在经济上，如果一个男士无法赚钱养家，甚至说为了老婆的礼物而没钱买饭吃的话，那么真的是一件很伤自尊、甚至说值得相当自卑的事情。家里财政大权应该是完全掌握在楼主手里的吧，家里一切大小事务应该都是楼主做决定的喽，这样你老公在家真的很没有存在感的。
不过哪怕即使这样，他还能照顾你的感受，甚至照顾外面的弱势群体，真的很难得，虽然有打肿脸充胖子的嫌疑，不过至少说明他人品还不坏。楼主是不是可以考虑：
1. 跟老公谈谈，如果自主创业这么多年还没有起色，不如换一个行业，或者出去做点别的吧，哪怕去学驾驶当个出租车司机也是好的啊，男人能赚钱养家了腰杆自然就会硬一些。
2. 是不是可以放松对老公的财政掌控，比如每个月多给那么一点点零花钱，至少让他有钱吃饭吧。
3. 如果说短时间内出去工作有难度，那么至少可以让他尝试做个好父亲、做个好老公喽，比如照顾好孩子，让老婆可以安心工作，回家也有热饭吃，不用再操心家务之类？
既然楼主当初选择了他，应该他还是有吸引楼主的闪光点的，只不过现在因为生活问题闪光点变得暗淡了而已。[dos2unix (4-27 10:52, Long long ago)]
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(引用 雷猫:没人发现整篇文章是English??????????????????????)所以没回，怕认错了词误会了楼主意思有反效果。[hula (4-27 10:59, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]10楼
新加坡没有穷人，只有懒人勤奋点，月薪2000对一个30多岁的男人来说，不算什么[国大大叔 (4-27 11:22, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]11楼
lz英语好好字里行间觉得mm是个很优秀的人 [wenzi1987 (4-27 11:35, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]12楼
猜测一下LZ老公素阿毛?[bff (4-27 11:37, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]13楼
LZ你带着女儿回上海吧，这样的婚姻生活着实也没有什么意思。
魔都还有自己的父母，可以相互给温暖。
其实再大方的中国女人终究也不能做到老外女人那样，可以完全无怨言在经济上独立支撑家庭，或者只是一味地不求回报地付出。
[奥迪A6 (4-27 11:38, Long long ago)]
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楼主洋文好好哦熊猫辣子鸡 [本文发送自华新手机Wap版] [sunnylau2 (4-27 11:44, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]15楼
(引用 Sees:令人困惑的问题，女人们要男女平等，但又渴望男人们多付出一点凌乱的世界)女人的话别当真呀~男女平等只是女生履行义务时候用的，到了养家糊口的问题上，马上又不平等了~[羊驼君 (4-27 11:46, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]16楼
(引用 Sees:令人困惑的问题，女人们要男女平等，但又渴望男人们多付出一点凌乱的世界)亮了。 这问题反过来就不是问题 [本文发送自华新手机Wap版] [1999 (4-27 11:47, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]17楼
(引用 dos2unix:我觉得主要还是经济原因刚刚看到楼主，一共发了4贴，前三贴是5年前的征友贴，第4贴就是这次深沉的或可称之为吐槽的抱怨贴，看来楼主做出�...)所以我还是想说。。。各位妹子别因为年纪大点就随随便便地嫁了，还是要擦亮眼睛，看看lz以前的征友贴就知道了~没工作的都嫁过去真是醉了，刚好隔壁有个83年征婚的妹子，提个醒~[羊驼君 (4-27 11:53, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]18楼
为什么是紫桃啊？不是broken heart?[dengyizhen (4-27 12:05, Long long ago)] [ 传统版 | sForum ][登录后回复]19楼
离吧。。我已经不知道说啥了看不到任何优点
楼主不离指望不上他还得养着他。
[本文发送自华新iOS APP]
[南瓜同学 (4-27 12:08, Long long ago)]
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