I just had a brief look. I would like to share my views here.

The structure is there. Opening, Body and Conclusion. Very good. It's well structured and planned. It would be better if you can use some personal examples as illustration. You may want to apply PREP check. Point (introduction) - Reason - Example - Point (conclusion).It is very important. Someone may not have a proper closing at all and he would have to pay the price at the end of the day.

However, I find it a bit hard to read your text. Why? You write very long sentences. Try to keep is short. Apply KISS in this case. Keep It Short/Simple yet Sharp! Do NOT use very complicated sentences. You may find simple lines helpful and striking. No point to beat around the bushes. Wouldn't it be better to reach the destination via short cuts? After all, the most important thing is to get the message across. Too much decoration sometimes can be negative.

Overall, it is a well drafted essay.

(Just some of the personal thoughts. You may not take it seriously. May you have the luck in your GRE test. By the way, I have no experiences on GRE essay writings at all.)